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(Kind of long )I’ve been training 3x a week for almost 5 months now. I LOVE it !! For a little background I’m middle aged, small, very fitness oriented but NOT ‘ sports oriented’ and no previous martial arts experience. ( I also strength train, do yoga, HIIT and group fitness classes) I had 5 great and fun classes in a row. But then today sucked really bad and *I hate the way I feel* right now there were probably about 8-10 of us in class.The combos ( or are they called drills?) were a bit longer today ( so the issue was more steps to them. Both strikes and defense ... idk how else to explain ) the instructor demonstrated them slowly but only one time today. Other days it’s more then once. In a nutshell - I just couldn’t remember them and neither could my partner the only other female - - a 14 yr old girl who started maybe a month ago. I’m pretty sure everyone else in the class( beginners like me and then more experienced students) all remembered them. I saw no one struggling like me. This happens every so often. {adding this part Bc it effects things: I tend to absorb the energy and mood of a person or group and am VERY sensitive to moods and what not. It’s just who I am} my instructor (the owner) ....I like him. I really *hate* frustrating him. He’s a retired professional fighter. Middle aged but younger then I. Trained in US and Thailand. Teaching for many years from beginners to professional fighters. In most ways he’s a phenomenal teacher. I wonder sometimes if we might not be a good fit in terms of teacher/student. ( note I’m not blaming here. Not all people are the right fit for each other. i sensed his mood was (how should I describe it...???) ....Just that some days he’s in a ‘tougher less tolerant mood‘ . less tolerant of mistakes. He’s not always like that. ( clarifying he is actually fine with mistakes in general. That’s his job, of course) But It’s just too many mistakes such as me today repeatedly not remembering the combos he seems to get irritated) His facial express looks totally annoyed and he’s just kind of a rougher coach. I hate when he’s stares at me all annoyed and says “WHAT ARE YOU DOING ????!!! ( I feel so helpless wanting to do better but can’t at the moment) I get so uncomfortable that then my mind is even more blank with a worse memory Bc of nerves . It sucks. The bad part is Im trying my best. Im a very dedicated and attentive student. I fully admit i seem to be the worst student at remembering combos. ( Do I need to mention or justify my intelligence now ??? I mean I am decently intelligent. Not a brainiac. I made it through college and then grad school with pretty good grades but just DONT ask me about math. ) i * should* be able to remember the combinations but sometimes I don’t - I suck. Today my mind might have actually been a seive ( ? Sp). his facial expression and demeanor only make things worse for me. Today I felt like I was in a no win situation. I wanted to leave class (of course I didn’t) and just start fresh again next class Bc it seemed hopeless. it sucks so bad that I’m trying my hardest Bc - that means there is *no ability* for me to try harder . I wish I could. What do I do? i find myself thinking - would he prefer i quit Bc I feel like I frustrate him On days like this. ( it’s not every class) I don’t mind at all how hard Muay Thai is. I’m up for the challenge. I’m motivated. I find it fascinating and fun. I love it. I want to get better. I HAVE improved and I have the ability to improve more. But classes like these ..... it wears on my psyche. It’s discouraging. Feeling like the worst at ‘ retaining’ certain combos. What I really hate is my teachers response to it. It’s really a struggle for me. anyone else have this issue? Or advise? ( I will take any constructive criticism) its not even like I can practice ‘ retaining combos better’ like I can practice other aspects of Muay Thai . Also I wonder ... As an adult learner whose clearly trying my absolute best.... is it even appropriate for him be so agitated with me?? Or is it a muay thai thing ( I take beginner ballet for adults. Ballet is also hard core though maybe in a difference way than Muay Thai. The teachers are never rough on you when you suck. ) i just don’t know i so badly wish I could fix it. I can’t even tell you how motivated I am. bc of my kids and babysitter issues- all other Muay Thai gyms are too inconvenient for me. ( that’s only Bc of my kids and the commute to the gym. If I had no kids or grown kids I’d drive further in a heart beat. No question ) I’ll consider other gyms - it’s just.... not ideal at all. If you made it this far, thanks for listening edited to add this: I realized part of it is a communication problem. When he goes over the combination or drill....he’ll say ‘ got it? ‘ and look around the classroom. No one says anything. everyone nods yes or gives no answer. ( this is pretty much always. Maybe there’s a question or 2 on occasion) times like today when I know I don’t know it- I say nothing. I don’t feel safe to say anything bc i can tell I will get a look or an attitude. I’m not comfortable. This isn’t all the time but often.

This is a topic I have been meaning to bring up a while, but being hesitant since it might get a bit heated. However my curiosity won this battle as I am very interested in hearing other peoples’ views, especially trainers/coaches/teachers/instructors. So here goes. The self-appointed assisting coach or as some name them, mansplainers. The person, not a teacher, who comes with unsolicited advice in the gym. I have always done some kind of exercise one way or the other, but it never became a true interest until I started yoga seven years ago. And with yoga, only the teacher will adjust your alignment (with few exceptions). The teacher understands anatomy, the asanas (posture/movements), and is trained to perform physical adjustments. If you have a good teacher, physical adjustments are done with such care and compassion. You are gently but firmly guided into the posture. It is a great way to learn. On a job mission a few years back, I visited a studio that offer Budokon yoga, a special kind of modern yoga which is infused with martial arts. A great experience and highly recommended. Afterwards though I was talking to the teacher and this fellow student chats me up and out of nowhere he says he noticed I had over-extended my knee during practice. I am what you might call an experienced, advanced level yogi in terms of difficulties of the asanas I can master. But yoga has very little to do with difficult arm balances and so much more to do with presence and his comment brought me out of my presence, out of my physical body and mind, and into the thinking and judging brain of mine where I started over-thinking of where I kept my limbs and if I am doing things correctly and suddenly hyper-aware of the other people in the room. And this to me is what unsolicited advice does. It robs me of my presence in training and learning and suddenly I become aware I am being observed by others. When learning muay thai in Thailand as an adult. Well, it is an incredibly humbling experience. Due to language barriers, you will be made fun of when teachers instruct you, with exaggerated charades they will show you what kind of mistakes you do. And there is a clear hierarchy you need to submit to. And if you do not speak the language, you will have a hard time explaining yourself when being criticized and you can just nod and say yes. People will laugh and make jokes you do not understand. In these situations it is wonderful to have training buddies who know you. Who can help you. Where there is mutual trust. What you don’t need is someone you do not know giving you advice you did not ask for. And I think it was Timothy who said it well in a different thread, you need the space to make your own mistakes. As stated above, this is just my perspective and I am interested in other peoples’ views on this.

Not just for shadow but also good for those hand weight things. Only doing 1, 2s but not in your stance, just neutral and flat, so only looking for upper body to fix this, the thing where the punch comes back in straight and quick to protect the head as the other one goes out to hit, back and forth etc, and check both sides for constant protection. Because punching was always my weakest thing. So nothing but weighted 1 2s for 5 min straight and make sure my sketchy punch comes back to sender. Every day, added up, it kinda helps.

Welcome! I can't feel my shins anymore at all, haha.

Obvious to you perhaps, but I can assure you that not everyone who has been through traumatic situations is in control of their bodies at all times. For guys just coming out of war zones or people who were abused badly as children, women who have been raped, etc. they still see danger everywhere. It's more about never letting something like that happen to you again and you remain on high alert no matter how safe a situation seems. I've nearly hit several people with elbows simply for walking up behind me when not expecting it. It's not something I have control of, my body moves and reacts on its own. I know what you are saying about over thinking things, but imo simply asking is the respectful thing to do. A yoga teacher will likely announce it at the beginning of class, and then again just before they adjust you. It's not about the act of touching per se, but about the consent to do so. As for a trainer in a gym, I personally would be pretty shocked if a trainer hit a student hard without any warning. Usually you give the student several verbal warnings, then maybe a quick swat or tap but even that is at a speed that is slow enough so they understand what is happening. In Thailand things are a little different due to the language and cultural barriers, but that is also something you accept as you come into that environment. I think a lot of times people just assume guys are alright with it. This might be a personal thing, but I'd rather get hit hard with a pad then have someone place their hands on me to turn my shoulders/hips more. While placing your hands on someone may seem like a "softer" touch, it makes me deeply uncomfortable. Due to some childhood stuff, being hit is normal and being touched/hugged took me about 20 years to get used to. In my experience a lot of the guys who end up at combat sports gyms are products of abuse or guys with PTSD of some sort (whether from childhood or military service). Not all of them obviously, especially as combat sports are becoming more main stream, but you just don't know people's background. Plus it sets a good example for the younger kids (male and female) and teaches them appropriate behavior for their future so they know what is ok or not ok in case their parents aren't teaching them at home.

Permission should still be asked. Even if someone is my friend, if I am coaching I will ask them if I can touch them before I make any sort of correction.

Yeah, white guys like you and me are privileged. We can coast through lots of situations and not have to think extra "negative" thoughts because we have a passport to get through all kinds of things that others don't. It's a luxury. The first step, at least for me, is realizing that yeah, I'm privileged, and other people in the same space don't experience it quite so smoothly as I do. If these people bring up certain problems that would never occur to me I take a step back and don't immediately say "Hey, you are being negative" or "why you looking for all that stuff". Sylvie tells a great story about how she wasn't able to clinch train in the main ring of her gym in Chiang Mai. It was the "man's ring", women were not allowed to enter it. It's where almost all the heavy clinch was done, and the hard sparring. Muppets were getting pretty high level clinch work, western guys who were not even fighters, while Sylvie (who was actually a clinch fighter with maybe at the time 50 or 70 fights) was getting almost no clinch work. It wasn't on purpose. It wasn't nasty, it's just the way it shook out. All the guys would just climb in and clinch. They hadn't a clue that Sylvie couldn't go in there. Occasionally a guy would say "Hey Sylvie, why don't you come in and clinch". They had a passport, one they completely took for granted. It wouldn't even cross their mind that you actually needed a passport (a penis, really) to clinch. But you kind of did. These kinds of invisible barriers are everywhere, often in much more subtle ways. Just because the barriers don't affect you or me doesn't mean that people who are stopped or slowed by them are being negative by calling attention to them. Sylvie didn't make a stink about that ring. But she suffered under it and its prohibition for a long time. She finally just left the gym and found a gym where women can clinch with males in a single ring and get all the real work. The same thing goes on with power dynamics and how instruction or information is passed between individuals. The tendency to "mansplain", broadly speaking, is really not much different than a bunch of western dudes climbing into the men's only ring to clinch. It isn't something special they are doing. That's just how one talks. It isn't something that feels privileged, it would never occur to them that you have to be a special type to do this. If you aren't clinching in the ring - as Sylvie wasn't in that ring - it must be that that's just not what you want to do. At least for me these are really important distinctions.

At the yoga class I attend, the instructor frequently tells the students they have "beautiful variations". We all are working toward the same posture but because we are all individuals, our forms are unique to us. I definitely think the way that men and women are socialized affects our confidence about giving advice to others. I have offered advice to new people in various contexts if the teacher is occupied elsewhere, but I usually phrase it as a question "May I make a suggestion?, Would you like some help/advice?". If the person says no, then I keep my advice to myself.

I think this is why, often in real, long term training gyms that raise Thai boys up there is very little correction. And, why, you don't get everyone on the gym doing the same motions, having the same muay. Growing young fighters tend to be more nudged towards better technique, rather than "corrected", especially not repeatedly. And emulation becomes a strong tool of honing techniques, rather than teacher direction. This may be related to the guest post I wrote for Sylvie's blog: Precision – A Basic Motivation Mistake in Some Western Training

The specification of whether these are fighters or not is interesting to me. Because Kru Nu's philosophy is toward fighting. The whole "keep it light" enforcement in the west, I suspect, is largely because the majority of a gym is made up of clients who are not ever going to be stepping into a ring. The assumption is there's no reason to scare people off, get hurt, get upset, etc. That's bad business. I do believe, personally, that there's a lot to learn from putting yourself under that duress in sparring, even if you never plan to fight. But hey. The worst offenders of this going way too hard, with little emotional control with it, are bullies. They're usually men who want to identify as fighters but not actually fight, so they get their "fights in" at the gym, during sparring. One of the men I've mentioned in both these posts is absolutely that type. I do believe he'd ask to schedule a fight, but likely wouldn't go through with it and, if he did, would never be one to fight regularly. He just wants to pound on people who he knows are controlling themselves.