Kevin von Duuglas-Ittu

12-10 Unfortunately this may not make as much ultimate sense if you have not seen Westworld the HBO series, but hopeful there is enough non-referential meat on the bone to make sense apart from that. Dolores (dolor - sadness) from Westworld, a robotic humanoid, is said to have uncovered consciousness when she solved the maze, when she found the center of the maze. It was Sylvie who spelled it out for me, where that center was. The illusion she said, is that you are the little white ball, and turn after turn you are looking for the center. You are looking to arrive at the center. Consciousness, she reasoned, is the realization that you are not the little white ball. Instead you are the maze itself. That is the “center” of the maze. She’s been reading some beautiful stuff on Buddhism lately, and sharing it with me, but somehow this flattened me. Yes, at the surface it sounds a lot like “there is no spoon” spiritual sophism, but in that moment, in the context of a multipart series tracing the track of non-intelligence aspiring toward intelligence, in a sea of coded and looped pain, it was really startling. It was startling in part because Sylvie has been that little white ball so much these 4+ years, bouncing off of maze walls, banging into deadends she’s come to know not only intellectually, but viserally, and it all somehow sandwiched all together, two laminates, mapping cleanly. Sylvie was a robot. Ha, what does that mean? There is an elegant analogy being carried out in Westwood. Very lifelike androids are programmed to loop in small emotional storylines over and over and over. Their emotional spectrums are sketched out – set to feature a modicum of improvisation – but still day after day these beings live out the same very worn grooves. And because they involve an amusement park designed for adults (humans) which gives very little consequence to action, these androids suffer brutal, violent lives. Only saved from that hellish horror, the painful and ingrained repetition, by the fact that their memories are wiped clean every day or so. They are in a hell they cannot remember, so freshly they engage in it, and repeat it ad nauseum. The analogy is that we as humans, though we have the experience of consciousness and choice, are also caught in very tight, emotional loops, and that there is a certain kind of forgetfulness that keeps us able to experience them anew, freshly, as if we are not madly repeating ourselves. We are all…robotic. There is an additional theory floating through the Westworld world, that the personality of each android, in its simplification and approximation of consciousness, is grounded in some nearly un-utterable original memory of pain. This event (the loss of a child, a heinous murder), in a way casts the mold of who they are. It gives them ballast and bearing, though they only remember this event in a dim sort of unconscious or fleeting way. Sometimes this event is portrayed as actually having occurred in a previous personality manifestation (version) of the android, sometimes it may implied to be programmed. In any case, it is there, conditioning all that is built, or sedimented on top of it. Now this is the interesting thing. Sylvie has fought over 150 times in Thailand in the last 4 years, more frequently and to greater volume than any other westerner, man or woman, ever has. In fact it is probably not even close. She has been android-like, mashing through what for a “normal” woman is a very violent event. But like the androids of the show, the violence has been a sort of testing ground for her consciousness, I believe. The violence – and the attendant straining for the art amid it – has an intensifying effect, as if purifying metal, floating the dross of it to the top. The pain in her body – and really it’s the pain in training more than fights, but both – repeats itself in loops not unlike the shallow emotional loops of Westworld androids. And this dedicated repetition to what is called “the grind”, a grind which includes fighting every 10 days or so, probably in some virtual dimension is acting out and rehearsing, and ultimately solving parallel emotional loops built into her “real life”, the coded stories that she and pretty much all of us serve. And as she bangs into the wall of the maze over and over: Why can’t I throw elbows! Why can’t I step there! Why did I freeze! Why don’t I fight how I train? --- making small adjustments in herself along the way, it feels like she is coming to a realization. An incredible moment within herself. She is not the ball, she is the maze. It doesn’t change the violence, it changes one’s proximity to the violence. One is both closer and further from it and the grind. It changes the valence of the Body. It unhinges dimensionality. It makes for polyvalence. There is a moment precariously balanced in the season finale when different androids are poised between differing attitudes towards the foundational pains that stamped them early in their code. As one orbits outward, toward apogee, one makes a decision toward the foundational pain that more or less is “you”. Do you return to the code that you know, and that knows you? Or do you ascend to an alternate vehicle of Self? One that knows no loop, in any common way. This is what is fascinating about the sheer volume of fights Sylvie has had, and what makes her special beyond what many will know. There is a certain Groundhog day process that the soul must undergo. A certain boredom that comes from inescapable repetition, that in the context of violence breeds a certain discovery. The discovery comes straight out of the nature of Pain and the Body. The sheer, rote mashing of the self in violence, in search of art produces something…a perspective, and ultimately a certain kind of release. A release into the Possible. But we are ever left with the question of what we do when that sing-song tune comes round again, the dolorous ditty we hum in our sleep, the thing that stamped us. This is the most incredible journey. So one carves oneself into a maze, perhaps. The wall of you, the spaces, stretching out with the aid of the artifice of martial form. One constructs a labyrinth of freedoms, full of dead ends and false openings. Because you are weaving out of the very form of the Body, the thing that sheers the physical to the mental and back – Pain – the freedom of you movement under duress, in high repetition, as a certain unquestionable quality, ultimately a grace. But you cannot learn this I suspect, without fighting, and fighting into utmost repetition towards release.

Not saying none of that happened because China is notoriously very difficult to win in, and can be inhospitable (stories told to be sure). But...if you haven't lost much in your life (and not fought people who can make you lose due to advantages), you don't really know what losing feels like, or why it happens. Fighters with almost impeccable records sometimes lack perspective, though on their own they can be great.

No. The fight was pretty uneventful, and wasn't very close. Thanonchanok just styled away with it in the final round, beautifully so. Her opponent had trouble entering the clinch.

I wasn't following the controversy. What was the story about that?

1). How does it feel to have your title given back to Little Tiger, a fighter who seemed to avoid fighting you for many years? 2). I remember you saying that you wanted to fight in America...(I think?). Why especially America? 3). Do you think you still will be fighting when you are 23 or so? 4). You had a plan to fight 12 times in 12 months back in February, something that injury got in the way of. Do you feel like this was a reachable goal even without the injury (enough opponents and opportunities)? This would be a very high fight rate for a female Japanese fighter. Did Sylvie's very high fight rate (probably the highest in the world), or the fight rates of Thai female fighters factor in the goal to fight so much? 5). Do you think that your clinch has improve enough to deal with Sylvie's strength which also has improved? 6). What do you think of Thai female fighters? 7). Do you feel that scoring in Thailand is fair to Japanese fighters? 8). Do you have a desire or plan to fight top Thai female fighters in your weight like Loma Lookboonmee (the best), Faa Chiangrai, Peungsiam (who beat Little Tiger), Gaewdaa Por. Muangphet, Phetjee Jaa?

Amy Pirnie vs Fanny Ramos - Muay Thai Female Fight -48kg March 19, 2016

Gut feelings like this I think are pretty important to pay attention to.

Candy Hoi-Yan Wu vs. Lyazzat Akylova Round 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du5INe3MY5s Round 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-acn-BEF0A Round 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhK7FWyHaBo a full-on exhaustion scrap of a match at 46 kg

Just tooling around and ran the trend data again for the United States and Muay Thai popularity. This month Muay Thai as a topic hit a 5 year low on the Trends index, in fact it was an all-time low. 5 year data picture (above) since 2004, above

I would just fly into BKK Suvaranbhumi and take the taxi to Pattaya. The other airport isn't that much closer, though we don't know anyone who has come from that direction. The taxi is maybe 1500 baht and takes about an hour or hour and a half.

From the sound of it you might really like training at a place like Lanna Muay Thai in Chiang Mai. What is nice about it is that it is very relaxed, but you get whatever investment you put into it.

wikipedia has a nice collection of terms: English Thai Romanization IPA Jab หมัดหน้า/หมัดแย็บ Mat na/Mat yaep [màt nâ] Cross หมัดตรง Mat trong [màt troŋ] Hook หมัดเหวี่ยงสั้น Mat wiang san [màt wìəŋ sân] Overhand (boxing) หมัดเหวี่ยงยาว Mat wiang yao [màt wìəŋ jaːw] Spinning Backfist หมัดเหวี่ยงกลับ Mat wiang klap [màt wìəŋ klàp] Uppercut หมัดเสย/หมัดสอยดาว Mat soei/Mat soi dao [màt sɤ̌j], [màt sɔ̌j daːw] Superman punch กระโดดชก Kradot chok [kradòːt tɕʰók] English Thai Romanization IPA Elbow Slash ศอกตี (ศอกสับ) Sok ti [sɔ̀ːk tiː] Horizontal Elbow ศอกตัด Sok tat [sɔ̀ːk tàt] Uppercut Elbow ศอกงัด Sok ngat [sɔ̀ːk ŋát] Forward Elbow Thrust ศอกพุ่ง Sok phung [sɔ̀ːk pʰûŋ] Reverse Horizontal Elbow ศอกเหวี่ยงกลับ (ศอกกระทุ้ง) Sok wiang klap [sɔ̀ːk wìəŋ klàp] Spinning Elbow ศอกกลับ Sok klap [sɔ̀ːk klàp] Double Elbow Chop ศอกกลับคู่ Sok klap khu [sɔ̀ːk klàp kʰûː] Mid-Air Elbow Strike กระโดดศอก Kradot sok [kradòːt sɔ̀ːk] English Thai Romanization IPA Straight Kick เตะตรง Te trong [tèʔ troŋ] Roundhouse Kick เตะตัด Te tat [tèʔ tàt] Diagonal Kick เตะเฉียง Te chiang [tèʔ tɕʰǐəŋ] Half-Shin, Half-Knee Kick เตะครึ่งแข้งครึ่งเข่า Te khrueng khaeng khrueng khao [tèʔ kʰrɯ̂ŋ kʰɛ̂ŋ kʰrɯ̂ŋ kʰàw] Reverse Roundhouse Kick เตะกลับหลัง Te klap lang [tèʔ klàp lǎŋ] Down Roundhouse Kick เตะกด Te kot [tèʔ kòt] Axe Heel Kick เตะเข่า Te khao [tèʔ kʰàw] Jump Kick กระโดดเตะ Kradot te [kradòːt tèʔ] Step-Up Kick เขยิบเตะ Khayoep te [kʰa.jɤ̀p tèʔ] English Thai Romanization IPA Straight Knee Strike เข่าตรง Khao trong [kʰàw troŋ] Diagonal Knee Strike เข่าเฉียง Khao chiang [kʰàw tɕʰǐəŋ] Curving Knee Strike เข่าโค้ง Khao khong [kʰàw kʰóːŋ] Horizontal Knee Strike เข่าตัด Khao tat [kʰàw tàt] Knee Slap เข่าตบ Khao top [kʰàw tòp] Knee Bomb เข่ายาว Khao yao [kʰàw jaːw] Flying Knee เข่าลอย Khao loi [kʰàw lɔːj] Step-Up Knee Strike เข่าเหยียบ Khao yiap [kʰàw jìəp] English Thai Romanization IPA Straight Foot-Thrust ถีบตรง Thip trong [tʰìːp troŋ] Sideways Foot-Thrust ถีบข้าง Thip khang [tʰìːp kʰâːŋ] Reverse Foot-Thrust ถีบกลับหลัง Thip klap lang [tʰìːp klàp lǎŋ] Slapping Foot-Thrust ถีบตบ Thip top [tʰìːp tòp] Jumping Foot-Thrust กระโดดถีบ Kradot thip [kradòːt tʰìːp] These are probably best seen not as official titles of moves, so much as just plain descriptions.

9-21b Namphon being held by Golden Age great Hippy Singmanee.

9-21a The camera was off. We had just filmed maybe a 20 minute round of technique with Golden Age legend Namkabuan, a fighter who held the 130 lb Lumpinee title for 6 years. He's this incredibly charismatic, handsome, funny, very athletic man in his forties. As with so many huge stars of the bygone era you would never imagine that he's a veteran of endless high stakes ring battles in the most brutal fighting sport on the planet. He had just been teaching an unbelievable knee to Sylvie, a thing of beauty that left me shaking my head. I've seen a lot of Muay Thai technique filming these legendary men as Sylvie tries to learn from them, and also plenty of ballet-like moves in the gym often from largely unknown trainers, but I had never seen anything like that knee. It just kind of exploded out of nowhere, submarining beneath the surface, launching in a horizontal trajectory with torpedo violence. Just beyond beautiful. I said something like: "The most beautiful knee in the world," and Namkabuan shook his head smiling. "No, Namphon". That was Tuesday night. What follows is a kind of detonation. A slow motion detonation of what that short, softly spoken sentence did to me. The truth of the matter is I didn't really know who Namphon was then, standing where I was. I knew he was one of the big names of Muay Thai, one that westerners in the last few decades, those that appreciated the sport before it became quite so well known, celebrated. I didn't know. I didn't know that he was Namkabuan's older brother. I didn't know that he would be pass away, would leave this earth, by Monday. When we got home Sylvie totally inspired by Namkabuan's energy and person watched all of Namkabuan's fights she could, well into the wee hours of the morning. It was then, I think the next day, that she found a Thai article letting people know that Namphon was seriously ill: My heart broke when I saw this, and in a way it is still breaking. I didn't even know this man, but this is everything. That night I watched and read everything I could about Namphon Nongkeepahuyuth. We didn't know that he was in such a bad way that things were terminal. We contacted Namkabuan asking if there was some way we could help the family, maybe to raise funds for his care and recovery. We reached out to another Golden Age legend who knew him to see if there was something we could do, but things were beyond perilous and he was gone by the next morning. So terrible, saddening. It's like a fallen hero of the Bronze age had been swept into dust, and everyone, the whole of the earth morns. I had watched his fights, I had Sylvie watch them too. The man was incredible. Not only made of iron, of metal, but artful and dexterous, way beyond his rough-sketch forward-marching reputation. He was the man who Dekkers first fought in Bangkok. Dekkers had beat him in Amsterdam a few months before in a bizarre decision wherein aside from a few seconds when Dekkers' hands connected, the entire fight was basically bagwork for Namphon, dragging Dekkers around the ring like a knee dummy. Then in the Bangkok fight then Namphon fought him an entirely different way, masterfully controlling the space with such precision, making Dekkers swing at air the whole night. Both fights were "su mai dai"...cannot fight. Later it was said to us, whether true or not I do not know, that the first decision came out of Onesongchai's genius. No matter what Namphon had to lose so the big fight in Bangkok had meaning to Thais. They wanted to see the fighter who had beaten Namphon. So Namphon just owned him in a different way. And you see in that Bangkok fight one of Namphon's running knees into the corner, like the one that Namkabuan was teaching Sylvie, visually symbolically demolishing his opponent, literally erasing him from view. The Nongki knee. Namphon really was the gateway to western fighting in Thailand, its ambassador to the ambassador. He took one for the team so to speak...perhaps. And he was there at the birth of Dekkers in Thailand, who only went 4-14 in the country but became synonymous with western fighting greatness, now called the greatest western Muay Thai fighter ever, by many. Namphon also lives in the annals of Muay Thai history due to his fights with Samart, everyone's favorite these days. So sad that of the 1,000s of fights and heroes of those eras, we have only fragments, a handful of fights out of which we in the west make up vast stories around the names that happen to be in them, like archeologists examining broken pieces of pottery deducing a civilization. Watch Samart laze his way through the final rounds against the unrelenting pressure of Namphon I just shake my head a little, as Samart plays to his reputation, slackening his limbs to steal the glory from this wonderful pressure fighter, Namphon. Ajax to wily Odysseus. I'm not really writing about his fights though, I only include mention of them because they are what I watched as I educated myself on the name Namphon, feeling as I watched him smash through opponents, or artfully turn them of to the side, that I was coming in touch with his heart. I had only just discovered him, really that day and night, I had only just come to see him, finally looking closely, to hear that he had died at 5:20 am the next morning...I can't really say, it overwhelmed me. I don't know why it had such an impact. Maybe it was because I had just met his brother who in his cheer and generosity showed no sign that there was a dark shadow of sadness coming over his brother, perhaps nobody even knew what was coming. Maybe it was because we can make our heroes out of a few bare things, a few videos, the face in photos. Maybe because the fall of Namphon mirrors so much of the struggle that Thai fighters face, even very noble, incredible champions, as they turn from the ring to life, making it plain for all to see. I've just been very shaken by it. Maybe it was just the way Namkabuan spoke that sentence: "No, Namphon"..."no, my brother" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cci0wspyilM&feature=youtu.be Above is a short video shot by Namkabuan with his brother, posted after his brother passed. In it he says he has been exercising and protecting his health and now is recovered. Look at Namkabuan's smile. Look at Namphon. Muay Thai is the battle and test of dignity. That is what it is. Champions rise because they can dramatize and present dignity under adverse conditions that would make most of us wither. Beyond displaying a "fighting art" or even a test of wills, it is the elevation and preservation of dignity that marks Muay Thai. Namphon's passing more than anything else really makes me feel this, it drives it home like a spike. I've have the privilege of meeting some very, very special men here in Thailand as I tag along in Sylvie's journey up into the mountains of Muay Thai. When we met Namkabuan his effervescence and absolute uniqueness somehow convinced us all the more how special these fighters are, men who lived in the pressures of high stakes fighting, amid the mafia, the huge promotions, in a circle of absolutely elite fighters, all graced with skills perhaps as no other time in Thailand's history. With the loss of Namphon, at age 47, more than anything else I just can't help but feel that we all lost something, a piece of a time, a thread in the fabric of something that will never be again. Karuhat, Hippy, Dieselnoi, Burklerk, Sagat, Namkabuan, Kaensak, Orono, Samart, Yodkhunpon, Somrak, Lamnamoon, Namsaknoi, Pudpadnoi, Coban, Jongsanan, Sakmongkol (and so, so many more) ...men of a fraternity of proven dignity in the face of time. Rest in Peace, Namphon. Let's remember Namphon.

For others, here is Master K teaching his head kick to Sylvie in 2011, driving from the hip, letting the leg drag through. Maybe others can add other Muay Thai head kick videos we we can figure something interesting out here.

I think it is less helpful to look for a particular kind of kick as the Muay Thai head kick (and maybe this is something you are pointing out). There are so many variations in kicks in Muay Thai, other than the somewhat unique whipping action in the roundkick, its very hard to identify single characteristics. Other martial arts which have become formalized (rationalized) are more prone to this essentialism. Instead there are different schools, different styles, literally 100s if not 1000s of variations. But I do love what you are saying and doing here, trying to think investigatively on technique. My guess is that there is a spectrum of techniques that mostly runs from a more chambered TDK-like kick (you see Saenchai use chambered kicks) to a leg dragging style, coming from the hip. Not looking studiously there seem to be kicks all along that spectrum. Master K's style of kicking is generally pretty old school. Styles of kicks sometimes reflect how the kick is hidden. Here is Karuhat, a Golden Age legend, teaching the straighter leg, leanover head kick, which he sets up with a body cross, out of a crouch. Sylvie says that Kaensak teaches this kick too. - I edited this clip out from the exclusive Nak Muay Nation feature Sylvie shot for them. For the full hour one has to become a member. - I don't really know the wheel kick or crescent kick well, but maybe you can see connections between those and these. Hope this proves of interest.

9-15 I've stayed away from the journal because each and every time I attempted to get to it the things that were happening just seemed too big. It was like trying to stand in a fast running river. I lost my biggest client due to corporate restructuring, someone we really relied upon to remain here in Thailand, and we found ourselves really having to scramble as to what we were doing to do next. As many of you already know we've turned to creating Supporter Only content - which is a huge step. But it just seemed like it was the right time. I've always been instrumental in planning and structuring all of Sylvie's content, I'm a Social Media consultant so this stuff is natural to me and something I enjoy, something I find redeeming, but this would basically mean that I've got to go to work for Sylvie, taking all my hours I used to spend on my client and trying to make it work for Sylvie on Patreon. Hey, I"m all for the adventure, but it put a lot of due stress on us, at a time of difficult treading. Much bigger than all of that was that Sylvie just hit a tremendous wall personally, something I can't wait to read her writing about it. I get excited about her articles just as much as you do. Even though I'm her husband and we talk about things in great detail, when she sits down to write different things come out, beautiful things. I'll be so interested in reading how she reflects on this last month. She found herself in a perfect storm of stress, fatigue and self-doubt I think. She was training for her nemesis Loma, taking on new, innovative but sometimes psychologically difficult training regimes, she was making big changes to her diet, a change in her spirituality, many of her routines were upended, and it was too much. She's written a few times about this, about how mental training does not stop. Just like sit-ups, or miles run, you can't just stop doing the training and expect to be alright. And under great duress she was paying the price for not doing the work. This whole time has been a torrent of stresses, and she's fought through it like the badass that she is, but it had a cost. But not only did it have a cost, it also had a prize. She somehow came through all the difficulty with powerful realizations, keys to unearthing heavy iron deposits that were anchoring her in limitation. I'm fucking proud of her...and amazed. It was a very difficult time, but she figured it out. This is the thing. I honestly think that no fighter in the world has Sylvie's training regime. Not necessarily at any one time, but so relentlessly, without breaks, going on 4 years now. Her fights are her breaks...and fights are not really breaks at all. She busts it at 3 gyms, juggling the psychology and expectations of 3-5 different trainers, more or less everyday. Even her Sundays are half-days. Why does she do this? She believes it is physically and mentally necessary to train at such a high level to fight 200 fights over 6 years. You have to be made of steel. Inside and out. But what sometime is lost is that there are huge mental tasks being taken on, and if you aren't doing the mental training to make your mind as sharp, dexterous and free as possible, through actual mental training regimes, it's going to be too much. Just when you are feeling good, like you've got a handle on this, that is when your mental training focus needs to rise. The things that make people fight, as an art, as a sport, are very profound things. The fighting (and the training) unearths shit, very deep shit, the stuff that glued you all together when you were little, and then glued you all back together again each time you were broken - and we've all been broken. At this level, this is no joke. It's going to come up. It's going to come out of fucking nowhere. Out of the bluest sky with not even a breeze in the air, it's going to come. And it's going to smack you. Just as you need the cardio, the brute strength, the fast recovery times, the heart of a lion, the intensity, you are going to need mental skills for the thing that will stab where you are blind. It will hit there, it's okay, it will hit there, if you are pouring your all into it. But you need to have developed the mental skills to identify, accept and subvert those dangers. It's very hard to remember how much you need to prepare mentally for this. I think there is something flawed with how we view mental health, probably starting with the phrase "mental heath". We expect that as long as we are in a range of normalcy, we are mentally healthy. Health is ultimately or usefully not a context independent thing. What we are really speaking of are capacities. What are your mental capacities? What dynamics can you endure? What dynamics can you thrive on? For a performance athlete it's like breathing in high altitude air. Sometimes really high altitude air. You might be great in the foothills, but you are climbing in the upper-reaches. You might have thought mechanisms and skills that will serve you very well at work, or in friendships, but these same mechanisms are poorly equipped for extreme duress. And, the mechanisms you developed for emergencies, very likely when you were very young (or which were born innately in you), are too immature or brute to deal with the demands at fighting states where an art is being called on. There is an entire threshold of talents that you must self-make, piece by piece, if you want to get there, striding in the high-altitude. Over this last month, I saw all of this. The breaking, the pressures, the perfect storm of duress, and then the diamond of my wife rising up, levitant. It's incredible. I don't know how else to talk about this, other than to say being this close to this is an honor.

Just read your mosquito question aloud to Sylvie, she says she doesn't know. Most of the malaria problem I heard was up North, but maybe Google around with "khorat" or "korat" as a keyword.

Sitmonchai has a pretty strong reputation, whether it is deserved or not, for not being a clinch oriented gym. It's a great gym, one that I know Sylvie recommends often, but as a striking gym it is known for more training getting out of the clinch.

Sylvie shot a video this afternoon on this Alla, hopefully she can upload it soon!

It's about 2 hours from Bangkok, that is where we live. Fairtex is kind of a "resort" gym. Pretty expensive, and has probably seen better days. But if your friend is there and enjoying him or herself you might too!

Sylvie and I put together this map of Things in Chiang Mai that may be of some help. If you are an animal lover the Elephant Farm is pretty incredible though a little pricey (run very humanely, you learn elephant care, etc). Sitting with Tigers is also very memorable. Lanna Muay Thai is very visitor friendly, and located in a very nice part of town up by CMU, its where we lived for 2+ years.

8-28 Sometimes there are just natural binaries in the world, things that express themselves artistically, poetically, symbolically. We like to think in dual parts, black or white, rich or poor, humble or proud, 1 or zero, but the world itself sometimes finds these pairings, and in Pattaya there is one that is almost unspeakable in how much it shows, without concluding a thing. The motorbike, some have argued, has produce more profound social change than perhaps any other piece of technology in Thailand. Like the American automobile which utterly altered not only self identity and the social field within which one got around, the motorbike changed landscapes. Not only has it zigzagged urban highways and streets with free wheeling, independent, cheap transportation, making a democracy of one, a singularity, it created body to body proximities in the conservative, traditional villages where male and female bodies never touch in any other public way. It brought about intimacies. Gangs on suped-up motorbikes scream through light-less highways or black-top ribbons stretched between night-lacquered rice fields, often with their headlamps off, coasting only in the cocoons of their high pitched sound. Motorbike brothers cruise side by side with a foot reached out, resting on their partner's bike, creating a tandem at high speed, while in cities older women and men pile inconceivable stacks of foods for market, hanging off of every lynchpin or edge like a weighted Christmas tree, sagging with commodity. And families of 4 or even 5 can cram onto a motorbike, a veritable mini-van of two thin wheels, happily pressed in a single, unison trajectory, hugging each other with the promise of what a family really is. Amid all of this, a taxonomy of freedoms and transport, Pattaya has a startling pair. In contrast to it, in Chiang Mai you see a veritable liberty of young women, sisters, most of them affluent college and high-school aged women, coasting through the streets in uniform, sitting side-saddle in school skirts and button-ups. The magic carpet young revolution in short travel in Chiang Mai, humming around the colleges and schools, has a modernity to it, in a part of Thailand that is still conservative. It becomes a ubiquity of criss-crossing errands, of a rising middle and female class. In Pattaya the motorbike finds a different, single, expression, a seemingly bonded pair. The motorcycle taxi driver: a working-class hero of rough edges who spends most of the time on a corner with others in their signature company vests, waiting to be hailed, or to take up someone in turn. And his pairing: a working girl, the sex worker dressed to the nines, impeccable makeup, short skirted, defiantly-high, stumble-prone high heels. It's like seeing a cowboy with a starlet on his dust covered horse. There is something so sibling about this pair, as he carries her to her work, seemingly at any hour of the day or night. Both ill-regarded by their culture, both treading water in the currents of the economy of bodies. His of transport, hers consort. He carries her, she rests with her feet near weightless in space, before she has to stop. There is nothing happy or sad about this pair, as they commune in a necessity, making space contract, there is only a strange and comforting twoness, of each knowing each. It characterizes this town, not to romanticize it. It shows how it is stitched together, how things are made far from wherever each may be, thrown forward by a combustion engine.

First of all, don't even worry about feeling that you are alone in this. Sylvie has 150+ fights and still is working on elements of freezing, whether it just being "frozen" as in growing physically still, or its your mind not being able to focus on the things it already knows. It is really common to have there be a gap between how things feel when sparring, even when sparring hard, and "fighting". Sylvie's away for two days, but hopefully she'll jump on here. But for now here are some of the things she's written on fear. As a close on-looker I can say that a lot of this has to do with building the proper mindset for fighting in advance, and getting acclimated to those unique pressures. This was a really interesting article by Sylvie which talks about the kind of impairments that happen under stress, as the heart rate starts to go up. Once your stress level starts reaching gray area there is just a very limited menu of things that your mind can choose from. This is really one of the biggest challenges that faces a fighter, how to perform under duress. The first thing though is to tell yourself: "It's okay that I froze, and it's okay if I freeze again" - stressing over freezing will just add to the stress that can make it happen. Realize that freezing like that is a natural response to elevated pressure. Its okay that it happens, just learn to recognize it and then work to bring yourself down out of condition grey or black. Things like tactical breathing before getting into the ring, or between rounds can help. And also developing more confidence in your defensive game, like improving your guard, or teeping, can give you extra space and time to recover from stressful moments. Also know, first fights are never really good for anyone they are a blur. You don't do much of anything you planned to do. The only good thing about a first fight is that it gets you to your second fight.

My rule of thumb for decisions like this are: What is more likely to change the direction of my life? You've already been to island Thailand, so you know what that is about. Maybe intuit which choice is likely to lead you into a new direction? Sorry that you lost your job. It always sucks, even if your job wasn't awesome.