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Earlier this week I was asked if I wanted to spar with a trainer I haven't sparred with before. I haven't really worked with him much but I respect him as a trainer and asks him technique questions when I can. He was also featured in the Lethwei episode of Fight World on Netflix and I sort of respect him as an authority. He is around my weight, a bit shorter and now not very fit but clearly has his strength and all his movements intact. It is always weird sparring with a teacher, I don't want to go too hard. But I was cheered on and told to go harder and use more combinations. Clearly he was better (obviously) and he let me feel his punches. I kicked him pretty hard and at one point I didn't hold back but attacked with some punches. And then he just had a go at me. Let the punches rain on my nose and forehead and my jaw started hurting and I felt overwhelmed. I could feel he got angry and that sort of shocked me. I respect teachers a lot and it's a shitty feeling having a teacher angry at you. And I dropped my guard, I lost my posture and he came at me until I got scared (had a recent head injury and I felt panic and thought that maybe this is really bad for my head I need to stop). It's not like he used 100% power but suddenly it went white, I fell backwards and I started sobbing. He sort of apologized went away. I gathered myself. Went to him apologized and thanked him. But obviously if felt shitty. The trainer I usually work with took me to another room and practiced my very recently displayed obvious weaknesses with me on the pads while I kept sobbing feeling embarrassed and just tired. Since then I've been training. And the trainer has not acknowledged that this was any issue at all. And I don't really know what to make of the situation. On the one hand I feel shitty like I was put in my place. And on the other I just feel this is fighting. Some people be like that. Opportunity to learn and mature emotionally.

Thank you very much for your advice and it's also comforting having my emotions validated. With the language barrier and me still navigating the culture, I've opted for an acceptance approach. Like I don't understand it, but I'll accept it. It's tough this shit but would it be easy everybody would be doing it. I think you're right about talking to the trainer, hopefully I can create a bond with him so I understand this better.

Updating my training room.

No it didn't. But if you read your reply to me again you can see you made a lot of assumptions based on my post - without knowing anything about me - which would put me in a position to have to explain and defend myself. I'm a big believer of talking honestly about feelings. I have a blog and Instagram where I write about my vulnerabilities because it helps me grow to face them. And I have many readers thanking me for sharing weaknesses. This is also why I'm such a big fan of Sylvie, she is very very brave in her documentation of her journey. By exposing herself she helped me tremendously. Occasionally, there are people using this to put you down. It's ok, I get it, not everybody understands. But I don't enter into discussions when the intent to help does not appear to be there. Emotions are present in any gym. I've seen so many Thai fighters get angry and tired and upset and I see how the Arjans manage it. Sometimes they just let the boys punch it out on each other, other times they mock them. Martial arts is very much an emotional journey. And I have close relationships with many of my former trainers because of allowing an emotional bond. ...and with my current trainer, we're very close and we get angry at each other all the time. Bickering, laughing, mocking each others or shouting at each other. I'm very grateful for this relationship. In no way am I ashamed of having one deeply emotional reaction to this particular sparring situation. Of course it feels embarrassing. But I'm interested in exploring my reaction as it will help me, not only for my next fight but also in life in general.

Double vision after a knock down was the weirdest / scariest experience of mine during afternoon sparring. The Ajarn immediately made me sit out for the rest of the rounds. For sure, it's embarrassing and you don't want to look shit in front of everyone. Feel better.

From what you're describing, you seem to have a hard time controlling how your feelings affect you - losing temper with your trainers to the point that they have to send you to the bag, escalating sparring, sobbing. No shame in crying, but if it's a continuous thing that you cannot control your temper when sparring, this may have been a very stark lesson on exactly that, and it's a fucking important one. If your trainers, who make a living training and sparring you, can't trust that they can do their jobs without you getting angry at them for your own incompetence and taking it out on them, I can see why they would act as he did. This doesn't mean that I condone it, but I think you might want to consider if this is the case and how to proceed from there. But if your other trainer has mentioned his anger, maybe he's just a small man who enjoys beating others. Maybe it's a bit of both things. Only you can really be the judge of this.

I am in this as I am training to be an official, and not a fighter, but it may be that as you are in BKK, you are receiving what seems to be the Thai approach to training. I watched some months ago the training and the competition for novice farang fighters at Tiger Muay Thai, and many of the khrus were relentless in their beat downs of the competitors seeking a place on the Tiger team. This approach suggested that the khrus are trying to teach/reveal "heart," and trying to determine who has the heart of a fighter by seeing how they respond to being brutalized or emotionally overwhelmed. Many of the great Golden khrus have said that it is not enough to have technique or conditioning; one must have the heart of a true nak muay in order to be successful. So, try to see this khru in that light, and remind yourself that you are on a magnificent path that few will ever realize, and that it is a path that demands heart. I feel that just by asking the question that you asked in your post, you have the heart of a fighter and just keep this determination in your heart as you train going forward.